Waves

In the exhaustion, excitement, stress, and wonder of the first three months with our girl there are moments when waves of grief wash over me as well. Grief for our other children. Sometimes these moments are fast and furious and sometimes the feelings hang over my day.

Today, as a new wave of grief washed over me a wave of anger and guilt came too. Anger that our original "plan" wasn't right. Guilt that by having Stevie we abandoned the other kids God has for us. Lies that I am tempted to believe at times.

As I sometimes do, I spent some time looking at the children sitting in the system in South Carolina. Waiting. 5 pages of beautiful children just seeking a loving family. I thought back to the many other times I have looked through pages of children's pictures. So many times in Wisconsin, where we thought our family would begin. So many other states as we searched for what God had next for us. North Carolina when we first moved here. Now South Carolina in the anticipation of our move there next spring. My heart was broken once again and my burden renewed for our kids.

I am about to finish filling a journal that I have been writing in for over 2 years now. I was flipping back through old prayers and thoughts and found this from October 7, 2014:
     ' Guide us to our kids, Father. We want to parent the kids you have for us. That is all we want. Protect our hearts from human desires. It is not about perception or what others think - its about your plan and desires. Forgive us when we get caught up in worldly lies and misconceptions. Spirit, help us to focus on your heart for our family.'

That is my prayer again today.

A reminder that what other people say or think does. not. matter. Even when people don't understand or question what God has called us to through church planting and the major changes that has had on our family - moving, delaying adoption, having Stevie, and one more move in store - all of it is in his hands. God brought us Stevie in his perfect time and he will bring us our other kids in his perfect time and we don't want it any other way.

Playing It is well by Bethel Music on repeat lately...

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

Article: This IS Our Problem: Fixing Foster Care in America, My Part (And Yours)

We are so excited about this pregnancy and everything it means for our family and it would be so easy to focus all of our attention on the changes and excitement ahead, however I have been continually thankful for the small and big reminders of the call and passion we have towards adoption and foster care. Though the excitement of our growing family is good and deserves attention, I never want to lose the burden that has been placed on my heart for the thousands of children who aren't as lucky as Stevie will be to be born surrounded by so many family and friends that will love and support her.

I know that the unique place we find ourselves right now doesn't allow us to move forward in the way we know we are called to eventually, but I do pray that God continues to break my heart for what breaks his.

Today, the reminder came in the form of a wonderful article calling us all to play a part in giving a voice to the children without one. God has called us to take care of the widows and orphans. I don't believe that means we are all called to adopt or foster, but it does mean there is a role for us all to play. This article has some great options for ways we can all speak up for the kids in our own Foster Care system.

You can find the article here.

What about Adoption?

So as promised here is the update on where we are with adoption now that we are expecting a new arrival in March!

As we have mentioned before we are in Asheville for 2 years, well 1.5 years now. We knew that might be tricky with the adoption process and had talked in detail with each other about what that might mean for starting our family. We prayed and talked, and prayed and talked, and decided to stop over thinking things and just talk to a social worker when we got situated in Asheville.

About a month after moving [and don't be impressed we were in NO way shape, or form "situated" at that point - there were boxes in our apartment for FOREVER. We just got antsy and wanted to know what the situation looked like..!] I called a social worker. I laid out our unique situation and just asked her to be completely honest with me. While the answer she gave me was what I expected it was still really hard to hear, "I would not recommend starting the process. I just don't think, for a variety of reasons, that we could get a completed adoption in that time frame."

After I thanked her and hung up, I continued to wonder around Target and soak in what she had said. [Because of course I was in Target...odds are good that if you call me I will be...!] Again, it was what we expected to hear but as soon as she said the words the realization came that once again our expectations were being adjusted. While we took some time to grieve those changing expectations we both felt that this did not mean putting off starting our family for another 2 years.

Once again I found myself grateful for the year that 2014 was and wasn't. That year and all its shattered expectations and shifting plans taught us a valuable lesson. Hold on to your dreams/plans/expectations/hopes loosely because God is the one who actually holds them - and its better that way.

We still feel the call to adopt on our hearts and this doesn't change that at all. We are still excited to see God lay out the road for that journey whenever the time comes! Don't worry we will keep you informed all along the way!

2014

As 2014 comes to an end I can’t help but reflect back on the end of 2013 and all that we hoped 2014 would hold.

2014 was a wild and crazy one for us. With many ups and downs and round and rounds I am somewhat ready to see it behind us. However, 2014 was a formative year. It was a year that forced Aubrey and I to draw closer to each other and closer to our Father and caused us to lay our hopes, dreams, and expectations at God’s feet in new and at times painful ways and reminded us, once again, that his plan and his timing is perfect. Years like that are usually hard but important ones in your life.

However, this year along with all the pain and confusion brought so much joy. Though Aubrey and I had hoped 2014 would be the year our kids came home we instead were given another year with just the two of us. As painful as it was at times it also brought with it so many opportunities. So, instead of anguishing in broken expectations we were able to celebrate and relish our time together.

I went to Europe. For TWO weeks. It was an amazing trip that I will never forget.

I

We were BOTH in Grad school this year.

We took time off to help my parents move across the country.

We got a puppy!

We were able to take last minute trips when family passed away.

We went to the movies… a LOT.

I made the trip to Louisiana for Keeley’s wedding!

I spent a week with Tay and was there to celebrate Molly June’s 1^st birthday.

We made our annual Thanksgiving trip and spent 4 hours in the middle of nowhere Minnesota with car troubles.

All these things and so much more were reminders that God is still in control and that his plan is perfect. So many of the trips we were able to go on were unexpected and last minute trips that would have looked so different with kids in tow. (Not that we won’t gladly step into the chaos of traveling with kids when the time comes!)

This year taught us so much about patience, prayer, and being able to rest where you are and we hope to carry those lessons with us into 2015 and beyond. Yes, we have hopes and dreams about this year, but we are holding loosely to those and starting the year by laying them at God’s feet. We are praying that this year would be what he desires it to be and until our kids do come home we are going to enjoy our time with each other.

Holidays

This Holiday season has been a lot harder than I ever would have imagined. It is filled with time with loved ones, tradition, and many reminders that our kids are still not home.

Our Christmas cards last year announced our exciting news to family and friends and now a year has gone by. A hard, long, exhausting, and confusing year.

Last Halloween as we carved pumpkins with friends I thought, maybe next year we will carve pumpkins with our kids.

Last Fall when we took our family pictures to use for our adoption announcements I thought, maybe the next set of family pictures will have a few little ones added.

Last year during our annual Thanksgiving road trip I thought, this trip might be crazy next year with kids in tow.

Last Christmas I woke up Christmas morning overwhelmed with a deep hope and prayer that next year our kids would be home for Christmas.

As these fun annual activities rolled around this year my heart was filled with sadness with the realization that a year had gone by since those hopes and wishes and a feeling that we weren't any closer to having are kids home with us.

This season has provided yet another opportunity for us to trust God. Trust that his plan is perfect, that he has not forgotten us or our children, that he is holding us all in his hands until we can hold each other. This year, as last year, my prayer is that this is the last holiday season without our kids but I am resting in the fact that God has it under control.

This is our prayer this holiday season:

Father, wherever our kids are this holiday season we pray they would feel safe and loved. Thank you for holding them while we can’t. Thank you for your perfect plan that will bring us together in your perfect time. Be with all of us this holiday season as we are apart and we pray that this would be the last holiday season we have to spend apart. Be with all those hurting this holiday season, help us to remember that amongst the joy that this season brings for many it bring pain. Help us to be your light and love to everyone we encounter as we celebrate the coming of your son. 

Breaking the Silence

I knew adoption would be hard. The waiting, the anticipation, the unknown, the ups and downs and back and forth, not to mention the reality of then raising those kids you journeyed so long and hard to get to. Every adoption journey is different. Every journey to your kids, whether through adoption or birth, is different. Each story has its own twists and turns.

We are currently living in one of those twists and turns on the road. Maybe it is one we should have or could have seen coming, but we didn’t and here we are.

Back when we decided to start the adoption process we had a version of our life in mind. We were going to start the process while Aubrey finished grad school and then Aubrey would work the business. It sounded like a good plan and it probably would have been, but it would not have been the right plan.

A few months into the adoption process due to a series of unforeseen events we sat back and re-evaluated. These events allowed, or more like, forced us to realize that we had come up with this awesome plan on our own instead of listening to what our Father’s plan for our life was. Once we realized that we started to listen, pray, and discern what to do next.

We were reminded that Aubrey started seminary because of a call into ministry and it was time to get back on track with that. Because he was so close to finishing seminary and the rest of the classes could be finished online we started looking for full time ministry jobs. When we made the decision to look for jobs in ministry we knew that meant, very likely, a scenario in which we would not be living in Eau Claire. Because all of the jobs that we looked at were out of state we made the decision to put the adoption process on hold. It didn’t make sense for their time or ours to continue if we moved and had to start over completely. It broke my heart to put it on pause and has continued to break my heart every day since.

So, that is where we are right now. On pause. With everything. We are still actively looking for the full time ministry job we believe God has for Aubrey, wherever that may be. We still have our adoption process on hold. We are still walking forward in faith that God’s plan is perfect.

Well…most days. Honestly there are some days where it seems easy to rest in his promises and others where I feel confused and sad. Days where I know it doesn’t feel like it but that we are working towards our kids by finding where we are supposed to be and others where I feel overwhelmed by the feeling that we aren’t making any progress.  

Adoption is hard. Life is hard. Following God’s plan is hard. But not following God’s plan is harder. So we take one step at a time.

I apologize for the absence of updates. Honestly it took me a long time to finally feel like I could write this post and then a little while longer before I could post it. Thank you for your continued prayers. Please continue to pray for our kids, wherever they are and however they will come to us, that God would lead us to them in his perfect timing. Pray that we would find the job God has for Aubrey. Pray for patience on this twist and turn in our journey. And as usual… stay tuned for updates. Hopefully sooner rather than later.