Waves

In the exhaustion, excitement, stress, and wonder of the first three months with our girl there are moments when waves of grief wash over me as well. Grief for our other children. Sometimes these moments are fast and furious and sometimes the feelings hang over my day.

Today, as a new wave of grief washed over me a wave of anger and guilt came too. Anger that our original "plan" wasn't right. Guilt that by having Stevie we abandoned the other kids God has for us. Lies that I am tempted to believe at times.

As I sometimes do, I spent some time looking at the children sitting in the system in South Carolina. Waiting. 5 pages of beautiful children just seeking a loving family. I thought back to the many other times I have looked through pages of children's pictures. So many times in Wisconsin, where we thought our family would begin. So many other states as we searched for what God had next for us. North Carolina when we first moved here. Now South Carolina in the anticipation of our move there next spring. My heart was broken once again and my burden renewed for our kids.

I am about to finish filling a journal that I have been writing in for over 2 years now. I was flipping back through old prayers and thoughts and found this from October 7, 2014:
     ' Guide us to our kids, Father. We want to parent the kids you have for us. That is all we want. Protect our hearts from human desires. It is not about perception or what others think - its about your plan and desires. Forgive us when we get caught up in worldly lies and misconceptions. Spirit, help us to focus on your heart for our family.'

That is my prayer again today.

A reminder that what other people say or think does. not. matter. Even when people don't understand or question what God has called us to through church planting and the major changes that has had on our family - moving, delaying adoption, having Stevie, and one more move in store - all of it is in his hands. God brought us Stevie in his perfect time and he will bring us our other kids in his perfect time and we don't want it any other way.

Playing It is well by Bethel Music on repeat lately...

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

Stevie - Three Months

Stevie, these last three months with you have flown by and yet it seems like you have always been a part of our lives. You have grown so much. You weigh 11.8lbs. You love to sit in your bumbo and use your legs to jump up and down in our laps. You are beginning to try to sit yourself up! You love tummy time and can roll from your tummy to your back. You started sleeping through the night this month! We live to hear you laugh and see you smile. You discovered your voice and love to hear yourself talk, coo, and occasionally let out a fun scream or squeal! Before and after your naps you spend a lot of time talking and smiling at your ceiling fan! You have become so much more aware of the world around you and love to look at everything. You notice Fitz when he is around you and always stare so intently trying to figure him out. You are beginning to notice your feet and think they are pretty fascinating. You are beginning to grab at things you are interested in and are getting pretty good at holding things. You laugh when we sneeze, make silly faces, or make silly noises. You love to read and smile at the pictures in the books. You moved up to size 2 diapers and can wear all your 0-3 months, 3 months, and 3-6 months clothes! You started taking naps in your crib and we are working on getting you to sleep in there all the time - maybe by next month! You are our smart, strong, and beautiful girl and we love every minute with you!