Waves

In the exhaustion, excitement, stress, and wonder of the first three months with our girl there are moments when waves of grief wash over me as well. Grief for our other children. Sometimes these moments are fast and furious and sometimes the feelings hang over my day.

Today, as a new wave of grief washed over me a wave of anger and guilt came too. Anger that our original "plan" wasn't right. Guilt that by having Stevie we abandoned the other kids God has for us. Lies that I am tempted to believe at times.

As I sometimes do, I spent some time looking at the children sitting in the system in South Carolina. Waiting. 5 pages of beautiful children just seeking a loving family. I thought back to the many other times I have looked through pages of children's pictures. So many times in Wisconsin, where we thought our family would begin. So many other states as we searched for what God had next for us. North Carolina when we first moved here. Now South Carolina in the anticipation of our move there next spring. My heart was broken once again and my burden renewed for our kids.

I am about to finish filling a journal that I have been writing in for over 2 years now. I was flipping back through old prayers and thoughts and found this from October 7, 2014:
     ' Guide us to our kids, Father. We want to parent the kids you have for us. That is all we want. Protect our hearts from human desires. It is not about perception or what others think - its about your plan and desires. Forgive us when we get caught up in worldly lies and misconceptions. Spirit, help us to focus on your heart for our family.'

That is my prayer again today.

A reminder that what other people say or think does. not. matter. Even when people don't understand or question what God has called us to through church planting and the major changes that has had on our family - moving, delaying adoption, having Stevie, and one more move in store - all of it is in his hands. God brought us Stevie in his perfect time and he will bring us our other kids in his perfect time and we don't want it any other way.

Playing It is well by Bethel Music on repeat lately...

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

Baby Hogan Nursery

While we are playing the waiting game I thought I would share some pictures of the nursery now that everything is done!

I had a lot of fun dreaming and seeing it all come together. Its just how I hoped it would be. We can't wait to bring home our sweet girl to this sweet nursery!

 

Some of my favorite details...

 

 My mom found this map and it brought everything together. Sweet soft colors, animals and the sense of adventure that maps bring. The bottom of it says, "Compassion for the world and all who inhabit it"

We knew we wanted this verse represented somewhere in the nursery. I love having it displayed with this elephant hook that hung in my Mimi's kitchen. 

Of course our love of maps and globes spilled over into the nursery!

This bunny was the initial inspiration for the whole nursery. My sweet friend Keeley gave this to me years ago and I knew that if I got to decorate a nursery one day that this would be the inspiration behind it all! 

This sweet guy was one of the things I grabbed years ago after I had been inspired by the bunny picture!

Our bags are packed! We are ready to meet our sweet girl any day now!

Baby Hogan - Weeks 32-36

Crazy to think that unless I make it all the way to my due date this could be the last blog update before Stevie's arrival! Here's hoping that she doesn't come late and my next post is an arrival announcement!

Feeling: So tired and yet so restless at night, some contractions, back pain, leg pain, congestion, and oh the emotions.. I get all teary eyed over a lot lately (ya know rational things like I can't get off the couch, Fitz needs to go outside again, the butter is too cold to spread on my bread, we are going to outlive Fitz (WHY oh WHY do thoughts like this pop into my pregnant head??) and when I realized we only had like 3 pairs of pajamas for her and what kind of mom doesn't have enough pajamas for their child...Aubrey is very good about sweetly talking me down from these crazy ledges) but mostly when I imagine meeting this baby girl for the first time. I had this awesome idea that I would write a letter to her before she was born...and then 20 minutes of crying later it was done...needless to say it is much shorter than I first imagined..!

Craving: Smoothies everyday, Corn on the cob, so. much. spinach dip, ice cream cones, Chick-fil-a,

Milestones: Class at the hospital, one last baby shower for our sweet girl, buying everything else we needed off the registries, per-registering for birth at the hospital, moving to weekly Dr. appointments, outgrew my maternity jeans and had to buy a bigger size, birthing class, being less than a month away from our due date!

Anticipating: Labor and the arrival of our girl!

32 weeks 

33 weeks

 35 weeks

 36 weeks

Baby Hogan - Weeks 28-32

The weeks seem to be flying by, probably because our to-do list before Stevie arrives is never ending!

Feeling: So tired, and yet so restless at night, some serious heartburn that has made me cry at times... (which I'm sure has nothing to do with the extra hormones and sleep deprivation...!), speaking of hormones...hello crazy emotions, lots of nesting, some braxton hicks contractions.

Craving: Pickles (how stereotypical!), green beans, squash and zucchini, BLUE BELL (it is FINALLY back in my life!), spinach dip, queso dip, bacon sandwiches, still a smoothie everyday.

Milestones: Moving from a Dr.'s appointment every 4 weeks to every 2 weeks, first snow with a bump, finishing touches on nursery decor (pictures coming soon!), putting together her stroller and car seat, starting to pack the hospital bags, my mom booking her flight to come to Asheville! - So many things that can only mean her arrival is just around the corner!

Anticipating: Making the most of the last few weeks with just the two of us! Meeting our sweet girl so soon!

28 weeks

30 weeks - and a "Hello!" from Fitz

31 weeks - First snow in Asheville!

 32 weeks

Baby Hogan - Weeks 24-28

As the last day of 2015 draws to an end I am a little emotional as I think about everything this past year held and everything 2016 promises. (Or maybe its just hormones...!) 2015 has been a crazy and wild year filled with so many exciting memories that we will always cherish, but we cannot wait for all that the next year will hold. We can't wait to meet our sweet girl, learn to be parents, and capture all the milestones that we will experience with Stevie! God has been and continues to be so good to us. Let's do this 2016!

I can't believe the THIRD and FINAL trimester is here! :O Where has the time gone!

Feeling: Generally pretty good. Back pain, heartburn, general exhaustion, and trouble sleeping at night. Oh also - hello hormones. The things I get teary over... oh my.

Craving: Homemade salsa, coke floats, sauteed green beans, cookie dough (don't worry I didn't give in...but making Christmas cookies this year was a major test of will power!) Most random craving was definitely for strawberry sheet cake. It. Was. Amazing. Still loving my smoothies just about every day!

Milestones: Our annual trip to Louisiana with a bump during which I, by some kind of Christmas miracle, did not get the stomach virus the rest of the family did. Getting to see so many friends and family in Louisiana. We celebrated our last Christmas without our sweet girl and tonight we will ring in the new year - a year where we will meet sweet Stevie! 

Anticipating: Organizing the house and nursery, touring the hospital, taking a birth class, but mostly just the arrival of our sweet girl!!

24 weeks - In Lee's Summitt, MO

 25 weeks - Home in Asheville, NC

No pictures from weeks 26 & 27, we were in Louisiana and everyone who could take the picture was sick... and when they finally felt better we were too busy catching up to remember to take a picture!

 28 weeks - Back home until Stevie's arrival!

It's a ...

Aubrey and I are super excited to announce that Baby Hogan is a....

We had our ultrasound this past week and got to see our sweet baby girl! Besides getting to find out that we will be joined by a beautiful little lady in March we got to see that she is developing beautifully and that she looked healthy and happy!

Aubrey and I actually decided and agreed on a girl name long before we were pregnant. It was of course brought up again when we found out we were pregnant and we both still agreed! It was just clear to both of us that this name was waiting for the little girl we might have one day.

We also decided on a boy name we loved so we went into the ultrasound excited to find out which name we would get to share with the world.

So, without further ado...

Stevie Tay Hogan, we love you so much and we can't wait to officially "meet" you in March! You are loved by so many already!

Baby Hogan - Weeks 12-16

Can't believe a month has already gone by since we announced our exciting news!

Weeks 12-16

Feeling: With the transition into the second trimester my nausea decreased and eventually has disappeared! (and by that I mean I still get car sick easier than normal and sometimes the thought of a certain food makes me want hurl...but I'll take it!) Still pretty tired, but much more energy than last month! Feeling lots of stretching in my stomach... not the most fun, but definite signs that baby is growing!

Craving: Very specific cravings have begun. A specific pasta dish from TGIFridays, Pigs in a blanket, and Dean's French onion dip. But with the nausea gone I can now eat a much wider variety of items without ending up sick!

Milestones: Cleaned out my closet and put away all summer and spring clothes, along with any fall/winter clothes that wont fit, then went out and bought clothes so that I will have something to wear...!

Anticipating: Our Dr. appointment at 18 weeks where we will find out the gender!!! Watching my belly continue to grow!

12 Weeks

13 Weeks (forgot to take a picture at 14 weeks!)

 15 Weeks

 16 Weeks (and Fitz)

Baby Hogan - Weeks 4-12

For the remainder of the pregnancy I will try to do a monthly post on how things are going! So for now I'll catch you up on what has been happening with Baby Hogan!

Weeks 4-7

Feeling: So tired, but overall felt great until week 7 when I got an upper respiratory infection...it all went downhill from there

Craving: Salmon, veggies, baked potato (thinking to myself, "Good for me! I'm craving foods that are so good for me and the baby!" ...hahaha that was short-lived), personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut

Milestones: Found out I was pregnant!! Stopped being able to button my jeans at 6 weeks, Belly band to the rescue! First bit of nausea. Telling family and close friends!

Anticipating: First Dr. Appointment and ultrasound in week 8!

                        4 weeks (there are no belly pictures of weeks 5-7 because I felt horrible)



Weeks 8-12

Feeling: Sick, sick, sick. Upper respiratory infection on top of morning sickness, on top of extreme fatigue left me at home and in bed until week 11

Craving: Bagel Bites, pop tarts, taquitos, Kraft macaroni and cheese (Aka all the foods I ate in middle school...)

Milestones: Little baby bump appeared, bought my first maternity shirts and jeans, baby sighting at our 8 week ultrasound, listening to baby's heartbeat at our 12 week appointment, Going "public" with our exciting news!

Anticipating: Morning sickness going away and the magical second trimester everyone kept telling me about. Our 18 week ultrasound where we will find out the gender!!!

                                                 9 Weeks - still feeling (and looking) rough

                                                                          11 Weeks

                                                                         12 weeks

What about Adoption?

So as promised here is the update on where we are with adoption now that we are expecting a new arrival in March!

As we have mentioned before we are in Asheville for 2 years, well 1.5 years now. We knew that might be tricky with the adoption process and had talked in detail with each other about what that might mean for starting our family. We prayed and talked, and prayed and talked, and decided to stop over thinking things and just talk to a social worker when we got situated in Asheville.

About a month after moving [and don't be impressed we were in NO way shape, or form "situated" at that point - there were boxes in our apartment for FOREVER. We just got antsy and wanted to know what the situation looked like..!] I called a social worker. I laid out our unique situation and just asked her to be completely honest with me. While the answer she gave me was what I expected it was still really hard to hear, "I would not recommend starting the process. I just don't think, for a variety of reasons, that we could get a completed adoption in that time frame."

After I thanked her and hung up, I continued to wonder around Target and soak in what she had said. [Because of course I was in Target...odds are good that if you call me I will be...!] Again, it was what we expected to hear but as soon as she said the words the realization came that once again our expectations were being adjusted. While we took some time to grieve those changing expectations we both felt that this did not mean putting off starting our family for another 2 years.

Once again I found myself grateful for the year that 2014 was and wasn't. That year and all its shattered expectations and shifting plans taught us a valuable lesson. Hold on to your dreams/plans/expectations/hopes loosely because God is the one who actually holds them - and its better that way.

We still feel the call to adopt on our hearts and this doesn't change that at all. We are still excited to see God lay out the road for that journey whenever the time comes! Don't worry we will keep you informed all along the way!

What's New?

After a long and quiet 6 months on the blog front we are breaking out silence with a pretty big update.

Though we started this blog when we announced we had started the adoption process, I have always viewed this blog as our family blog. A place where we can document and share how our family is growing and what we are doing. A place where friends and family all across the country can stay updated on our lives.

With that being said I will just get to the point:

We are so beyond excited to share that our family will be growing by 1 in March!

As the picture at the top of the blog says, we were praying to find whichever one fit, and this beautiful baby will be the perfect first "fit" for our family!

Wait? What about adoption? Great question. I have a whole blog post dedicated to sharing how we arrived at this point coming soon!

But for now we are just thrilled to share with our family and friends our exciting news! We ask for your continued prayers for us as we start our family!

Pictures

Since we are in a "boring" phase of the process right now (filling out paperwork) there isn't a lot to update y'all on...so here's some pictures to tide you over!

I have gotten a lot of compliments on and requests to see more of the pictures from our announcements, thanks! All credit goes to Molly Bailey who has taken our pictures every year for the past three or four years! We love working with her not only because she is a friend and super talented, but because of her heart for adoption. Thank you Molly for the beautiful pictures!

I guess we wont hog them all to ourselves anymore.. here is some more of her beautiful work from our adoption shoot! (I had a little bit too much fun with all the props!)

We can't wait to take our next set of family pictures, hopefully with a couple little ones running around too!

The Pre-Approval Roller Coaster

I took some pictures of our house last week when everything was clean for our meeting, so my post after this one will be house pictures! But, before I share those I wanted to share how we got here. It was quite the journey to get to our house and we always viewed that as part of our journey to our kids. So here you go!

I wrote this post last October:

One of the goals that Aubrey and I had before we started the adoption process was to be in a house. We have loved our apartments, they were great for the two of us, but when we decided we wanted to start the process for kids we both looked around and realized another human being, no matter how small could not fit in our apartment, we have just out grown it!

So, our perfect plan was to get in a house over the winter and start paperwork in the spring. Sounds like a perfect timeline right? If only it was so easy...

We did know the process would be more complicated because we own our own business. It adds some nice loops and twist to the roller coaster that is the pre-approval process. And while I love twists and loops on real roller coasters, these twists and loops made me sick to my stomach.

Our first problem, in retrospect was that we were trying so hard to make our plan work that we were trying to do it all on our own. With no thought or prayer to God about his plan. We both felt so sure about the timeline leading up to kids that we assumed God must think our plan was looking pretty good.

The first bank we sat down with said, No. And not a, "well its a no, but lets look at what we can do to make it work." More like a, "No, and I don't know of anything I can do to help you and your situation." It was crushing. We both were set back. So, it looked like our timeline was going to be pushed back. We had some things we could do to put us in a more appealing spot for banks, but the new timeline would have us starting the house process next April, which meant kids would be pushed back to an unknown time. I was scared and frustrated.

So, I did something we should have done before sitting down with the first bank, prayed. I asked God what his plan was. I told him that we both felt like he had told us Spring was the time to venture into the kid process, and now we felt confused. But I eventually found rest in Him (of course, why am I always so surprised..?) We found ourselves praying for His will and His plan for our family. We trusted that he would guide us on the right path if we stayed close to his voice.

So, that was our prayer when we decided to sit down with the next bank. While waiting in the lobby I prayed that His plan be made clear to us. If it was a no, that we would have peace about it. Going into the meeting I did have the peace that God was in control.

The meeting felt surreal. From the get-go the guy we talked to (Jeff Sproul at RCU GO SEE HIM! He's great) was positive and excited about helping us get into our first home. Everything that had been an issue with other banks was apparently not a problem at all in his eyes. We looked at each other halfway through the meeting like, "is this really happening?"

The next morning we got an email from him with our Pre-Approval letter! I stopped everything I was doing and prayed. Thank you God for YOUR perfect plan.

It was such a reminder for us that we can do nothing without him, and I'm glad, what an amazing peace that we are afforded knowing that He is the one in control. Why do I waste so much time worrying when I should rest in his promise to take care of me?

So, with our Pre-Approval letter in hand we began house hunting!

Praying for our kids

After the Ton. of. Bricks. hit me. And I realized that all I could do for our kid(s) is pray I wrote this prayer. This is the prayer we pray for our kids everyday. This prayer is for all of our kids that will come to us through adoption. Trying to trust Him and take one step at a time!

Will you join us in praying for our kids?

Father I pray for their physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I pray you would give them courage to face the challenges of each day. Spirit, give them a calm spirit to hear your voice and a willingness to obey. Jesus may their spirit be generous towards others as yours is. Father, give them a clear mind to learn and recall. Provide them with wise teachers, counselors, mentors, and friends. Father I pray they would find a unshakeable identity and trust in you. Jesus, I pray that they would know and become like you.

Father as they go through their day I pray that you would protect them, protect them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Father when they feel unseen, let them know that you see them. Protect them from whatever circumstances they will go through that will result in them being in the foster or adoption system. Father keep them healthy and protect them from illnesses around them. Father, I pray you would put people in their life who would look out for them, others that would see them, and notice their hearts. I pray these people would have the courage to speak up for them and speak into them. May these people around them be your light into their darkness.

I pray for their daily needs. Provide food when they are hungry, clothes to wear, shelter to live in, and beds to sleep in. Father may they find rest each night from whatever the day held. If they are in school guide them to teachers and people they can ask for help from, help with school and help with life. I pray they would have time to play each day, to feel like a kid. Give them hope when the situations feel hopeless. Keep their hearts full of hope father. I pray that they would come to us as healthy and happy as possible, and that you would build in us the tools we will need to help them heal their hearts. Father I pray that they would come to us legally free, I know that with you this is possible. May your will be done.

I pray for their birth parents. Father, thank you for the amazing blessing of giving life to our kids. I pray that they would come to know you Father, if they don't already and that you would bless them. Provide a healthy pregnancy for their birth mother. Father whatever the circumstances that lead to our kids adoption, I pray you would be in the midst of it. Whatever the situation is, help them remember that their kids are just kids. Help them to desire whatever is best for their child. Comfort them in the grief that will come after losing their kids. Comfort the kids if their birth parents pass away. I pray that our kids will come to understand the circumstances that led to their adoption.

If they have siblings I pray that they would come to us together and not be separated. Help them to find comfort in each other daily. Bless their relationship and help them to get along and thrive with each other. I pray you would also begin to open their hearts to the idea of other siblings after they join our family.

I pray that they would dream and hope for a better life, a life with loving parents and a safe home. I pray they would long for a life lived with you at the center. Begin to work in their hearts to prepare a place for you.