What about Adoption?

So as promised here is the update on where we are with adoption now that we are expecting a new arrival in March!

As we have mentioned before we are in Asheville for 2 years, well 1.5 years now. We knew that might be tricky with the adoption process and had talked in detail with each other about what that might mean for starting our family. We prayed and talked, and prayed and talked, and decided to stop over thinking things and just talk to a social worker when we got situated in Asheville.

About a month after moving [and don't be impressed we were in NO way shape, or form "situated" at that point - there were boxes in our apartment for FOREVER. We just got antsy and wanted to know what the situation looked like..!] I called a social worker. I laid out our unique situation and just asked her to be completely honest with me. While the answer she gave me was what I expected it was still really hard to hear, "I would not recommend starting the process. I just don't think, for a variety of reasons, that we could get a completed adoption in that time frame."

After I thanked her and hung up, I continued to wonder around Target and soak in what she had said. [Because of course I was in Target...odds are good that if you call me I will be...!] Again, it was what we expected to hear but as soon as she said the words the realization came that once again our expectations were being adjusted. While we took some time to grieve those changing expectations we both felt that this did not mean putting off starting our family for another 2 years.

Once again I found myself grateful for the year that 2014 was and wasn't. That year and all its shattered expectations and shifting plans taught us a valuable lesson. Hold on to your dreams/plans/expectations/hopes loosely because God is the one who actually holds them - and its better that way.

We still feel the call to adopt on our hearts and this doesn't change that at all. We are still excited to see God lay out the road for that journey whenever the time comes! Don't worry we will keep you informed all along the way!

To Our Family

You might be thinking we are crazy, and that's ok. Some days we think we are crazy too! We hope to be able to answer the questions and concerns you may have. But, please know this is what God has called us to do, and we are stepping forward in obedience. Yes, even though we know it wont be easy, and even though at times we are scared, nervous, excited, and worried all at once, we are never doubtful. We are resting in God's good and perfect plan.

Want to know what this means for you? Well, it means a lot. It means that you are on this journey with us through thick and thin. Our friends get to choose how involved they are, but to an extent you are already involved. We are blessed to have families that are there for us, no matter what. We will rely on this and because of this will ask that you walk with us down this unknown path. We ask that you pray with us, mourn with us, weep with us, celebrate with us and welcome our kids with us.

Want to know how to get involved and stay informed? Check out our post to our friends, because all that and more applies to you! If you are a reader, we would love for you to read Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends must know by Patricia Irwin Johnston. Also check out the resources page for many more!

Most of all we want you to know that this is your story too. These are your nieces/nephews, grand-kids, and cousins. This is the story of how they joined our family. We are so excited and blessed that YOU are part of the family they get to join!

Is this Plan B?

Aubrey and I are approaching our five (yikes, that's like a milestone or something..!) year anniversary. (June 20) So, we both understand that you might assume that we tried to get pregnant before deciding to adopt. While that is some people's story, it is not ours. Here is how we arrived here!

When we got married, and since then, we always hoped to wait at least 5 years before starting the journey of kids. Of course we knew we had little to no control over that, and we would have been fine with something different. We wanted God's plan for our family, not ours. I digress, about 2 years ago baby fever set in (with me) It set in pretty hard. It was one of those seasons where it felt like everyone around me was pregnant and having babies. However, as bad as I wanted to be a mom, I looked around at our current life situation (trying to get a business off the ground, I was still working part time, and we were nowhere near ready to buy a house) and knew it wasn't the right time. So, I just sat in baby fever limbo. It's no fun.

One day in a baby fever induced craze (i'm sure) I brought up the kid-timeline question to Aubrey. He reminded me that we had always said we would wait until we had been married at least 5 years, and I reminded him that we had already been married 3 of those 5 years, and his eyes got so big. Y'all, its like he forgot that "we'll wait 5 years" doesn't mean that we will always wait 5 years from now...(haha, sorry Aubrey! It was too funny!)

Once he stopped panicking we slowly began to talk about what that would look like. We began praying and thinking and talking and at some point (after looking at his grad school graduation date and where we hoped to be financially and with the business) and decided we would start he kid "process" in the spring of 2014. Whew! That was an exciting conclusion to come to! Now we just had to figure out if we were going to adopt or try to get pregnant when we got to Spring.

Aubrey brought it up first, God was obviously working in him before me, he just mentioned the idea of adopting from foster care first. I immediately had 14 reasons it wouldn't work, but God began working in my heart. Then the decision became to have one first or adopt from foster care first. I actually landed on adopting from foster care first just out of instinct. There was no major revelation that came to me, if just felt right, and Aubrey agreed.

In April (2013) I was doing research on the process, just trying to learn all about it, and I read that the large majority of kids in the Wisconsin system are 6 years and older and that younger kids are relatively rare. That statement began an unraveling of many sorts in me. From that moment on I began the debate between having one first or adopting from foster care first all over again. I told Aubrey about it and he was not affected. He still held firm in adoption, but firm in a way that let me find my way back on my own. The doubts flooded my mind, It seriously felt like I changed my mind every 10 minutes about what to do. I prayed and prayed that God would give us clarity on what direction to take to start our family. The paths were so very different and at this time we knew we were already less than a year away from starting whatever process we decided on.

One weekend at Jacob's Well, during a series on Jeremiah, John Stumbo spoke about being called. God knew before we were in the womb the calling he had for us. John said two things that hit my heart directly. 1. "It's not about who you are NOW, its about who God is making you to be." 2. "Don't ask, can I do this? But instead, Can God make me into who I need to be to do this" It became so clear to me that all my doubts about foster care came flooding in when I realized that it might be more difficult or not as pretty as I thought. The potential of older kids was scary, but God spoke to me that day saying, "Ask me, I can and will make you into the person you need to be to do this."

I came home and told Aubrey about my revelation, and he just smiled. He noted that with so many other "big" decisions in our lives he has been the one with the research, revelations, and reasons behind why we should do this one thing, and I have usually been the one who just "felt" like it was the right thing to do for no explainable reason, but that this time it was reverse! He had been there all along waiting for me patiently to get there too. So we looked at each other and smiled, I think filled with excitement and probably terror. We knew how we were going to start our family!

So, no we have never officially tried to get pregnant. No, this is not plan B, and honestly even if we had tried to get pregnant I don't think adoption would feel like Plan B. God's plan is always Plan A. This is God's plan for our family and we are so excited that this is the path he has for us.

Why Foster Care?

When I was younger and first felt the call to adopt I always assumed it would be international adoption only. I had a plan. We would have a kid first, then adopt a little boy from somewhere in Africa, and then adopt a little girl from China. That was how I pictured my family. (I'm not a control freak or anything...!)

Aubrey and I also discussed that we would like to be married about 5 years before we started a family. After our 3 year anniversary passed a class on adoption, If you were mine, was offered at Jacob's Well and I decided to take it. Aubrey couldn't make it to the class so I was in charge of bringing back all the information to him. If you were mine covers the basics of why to the details of how with adoption. Its a great class for anyone considering or about to start the process. As part of the class they explained the three ways you can adopt. 1. Domestic adoption - adopting infants from the US. 2. International adoption - adopting kids of all ages from different countries. 3. Adopting from Foster Care. - adopting kids of all ages from your State's/the US foster care system.

I knew about the first two. My cousins were adopted domestically and we were (according to my amazing plan...) going to adopt internationally. I didn't even know the third option existed. I was initially intrigued by it because compared to the cost of the other two options it honestly seemed appealing! There is no cost to adopt from the foster care system and in a lot of cases any costs you do incur will be reimbursed in the end. But, to explore an option just because its cheap did not seem like the way I wanted to go about starting our family, but God was already at work.

Over the next year God began laying foster care on my heart. I was honestly terrified at first. I never wanted to do foster care. I wasn't cut out for it, I argued. One Sunday during worship at Jacob's Well I just broke down. God had spoken and I had finally heard. Over the next few months a couple of things began to happen. God continued to work in my heart. The call that I originally heard as a call to one day do Foster Care began to come into focus as a call to adopt through Foster Care. It was different than what I had always pictured, but I accepted it relatively easily, even though I had no idea what that would look like.

One of the biggest ways that God worked in our hearts was through some friends of ours the Behnke's. We have been blessed to be witnesses to Paul and Nicki's adoption story as they adopted their 3 children through foster care. Paul and Nicki were actually in the If you were mine class and were the first people I heard express interest and plans to adopt from foster care. I felt not only certainty, but also excitement at the thought of adopting through foster care after seeing God's hand through their process. For their whole story check out their blog.

So, God had spoken to me, and I had heard, but he wasn't done yet. I still had my plan in my mind. To have a kid first, then adopt foster care, and then international adoption. The perfect family, or at least that was my opinion...

Why Adoption?

Why adoption? Great question!

It seems to me as though adoption has and was always meant to be a part of my life.

It is interwoven through my family; my paternal grandfather and 2 of my cousins are adopted. My grandfather was the first person to talk to me about it in a way that tied it back to how we are all adopted by our heavenly Father. My Grandfather explained and views his adoption with such amazing perspective that was not lost on me. Adoption just made since to me, even at a young age.

In 7th grade I went to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert with my friends. (Yes, I was the middle-schooler at the SCC concert rather than N'sync, trust me, if I would have had the opportunity to see N'sync I would have, talk about childhood regrets!) SCC's "cause" was adoption. They had just adopted their first daughter from China and he shared the story and heart behind it and sang his song, When Love takes you in, and my heart was broken. I went home and told my parents they needed to adopt a little girl from China. They said no, and I dropped it, knowing from that moment on, that I would adopt one day.

(May I just say that years later my dad sat Aubrey and I (at this point still just dating) down and made us watch a video about a family adopting a little girl from China, and told us, a little teary-eyed, that we had to do this one day, because they were too old now. I made sure to bring up the previous conversation from middle school in a nice humble way saying they should have listened to me then!)

I honestly don't even remember having a defining 'conversation' with Aubrey about adoption. It almost seems like it was just assumed from both of us that we would one day. So many of the 'big' conversations that many couples have happened this way for us. In this moment, especially, I am so thankful to God for giving us passions that align so well together.

So, for me, adoption was never really a question. I felt from young age that it was something God was calling me to do.