Waves

In the exhaustion, excitement, stress, and wonder of the first three months with our girl there are moments when waves of grief wash over me as well. Grief for our other children. Sometimes these moments are fast and furious and sometimes the feelings hang over my day.

Today, as a new wave of grief washed over me a wave of anger and guilt came too. Anger that our original "plan" wasn't right. Guilt that by having Stevie we abandoned the other kids God has for us. Lies that I am tempted to believe at times.

As I sometimes do, I spent some time looking at the children sitting in the system in South Carolina. Waiting. 5 pages of beautiful children just seeking a loving family. I thought back to the many other times I have looked through pages of children's pictures. So many times in Wisconsin, where we thought our family would begin. So many other states as we searched for what God had next for us. North Carolina when we first moved here. Now South Carolina in the anticipation of our move there next spring. My heart was broken once again and my burden renewed for our kids.

I am about to finish filling a journal that I have been writing in for over 2 years now. I was flipping back through old prayers and thoughts and found this from October 7, 2014:
     ' Guide us to our kids, Father. We want to parent the kids you have for us. That is all we want. Protect our hearts from human desires. It is not about perception or what others think - its about your plan and desires. Forgive us when we get caught up in worldly lies and misconceptions. Spirit, help us to focus on your heart for our family.'

That is my prayer again today.

A reminder that what other people say or think does. not. matter. Even when people don't understand or question what God has called us to through church planting and the major changes that has had on our family - moving, delaying adoption, having Stevie, and one more move in store - all of it is in his hands. God brought us Stevie in his perfect time and he will bring us our other kids in his perfect time and we don't want it any other way.

Playing It is well by Bethel Music on repeat lately...

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

Article: This IS Our Problem: Fixing Foster Care in America, My Part (And Yours)

We are so excited about this pregnancy and everything it means for our family and it would be so easy to focus all of our attention on the changes and excitement ahead, however I have been continually thankful for the small and big reminders of the call and passion we have towards adoption and foster care. Though the excitement of our growing family is good and deserves attention, I never want to lose the burden that has been placed on my heart for the thousands of children who aren't as lucky as Stevie will be to be born surrounded by so many family and friends that will love and support her.

I know that the unique place we find ourselves right now doesn't allow us to move forward in the way we know we are called to eventually, but I do pray that God continues to break my heart for what breaks his.

Today, the reminder came in the form of a wonderful article calling us all to play a part in giving a voice to the children without one. God has called us to take care of the widows and orphans. I don't believe that means we are all called to adopt or foster, but it does mean there is a role for us all to play. This article has some great options for ways we can all speak up for the kids in our own Foster Care system.

You can find the article here.

New Directions

Direction. It's something you don't really think about that often unless it is missing from your life. This past year we have felt that void. It became clear that God was heading us in a new direction, but it was not clear where, when, or what it would look like.

Aubrey started looking for jobs a little over a year ago and as we prayed and explored what our future might hold the idea of church planting was planted and grew in our hearts.  This past week our direction was made clear.

Aubrey and I are thrilled, nervous, overwhelmed, sad, and excited to announce that we will be moving to Asheville, North Carolina to take part in a Church Planting Residency through North Asheville Baptist Church.We'd love for you to read all about it and how you can partner with us at tablecommunitychurch.com/blog

So, What does this mean for the adoption process? In short, we don't know right now. We hope to have a conversation with a social worker once we are in Asheville to discuss what that would look like. The complexity of our situation is that we know we will be moving again in two years as we launch the Church. Our plan is to follow God's leading one step at a time and for now that means focusing on getting packed up and moved to Asheville!

Thank you cannot begin to describe our feelings for those who have been praying with us through the twisting and turning of this job search. We are grateful for your partnership up to this point and hope you will continue to partner with us along this new adventure.

We will of course continue to keep this blog updated with news about the journey of our family and we would love for you to stay tuned through the church blog for updates about that process.

Thank you for your continued prayers as we step forward in this new direction!

Holidays

This Holiday season has been a lot harder than I ever would have imagined. It is filled with time with loved ones, tradition, and many reminders that our kids are still not home.

Our Christmas cards last year announced our exciting news to family and friends and now a year has gone by. A hard, long, exhausting, and confusing year.

Last Halloween as we carved pumpkins with friends I thought, maybe next year we will carve pumpkins with our kids.

Last Fall when we took our family pictures to use for our adoption announcements I thought, maybe the next set of family pictures will have a few little ones added.

Last year during our annual Thanksgiving road trip I thought, this trip might be crazy next year with kids in tow.

Last Christmas I woke up Christmas morning overwhelmed with a deep hope and prayer that next year our kids would be home for Christmas.

As these fun annual activities rolled around this year my heart was filled with sadness with the realization that a year had gone by since those hopes and wishes and a feeling that we weren't any closer to having are kids home with us.

This season has provided yet another opportunity for us to trust God. Trust that his plan is perfect, that he has not forgotten us or our children, that he is holding us all in his hands until we can hold each other. This year, as last year, my prayer is that this is the last holiday season without our kids but I am resting in the fact that God has it under control.

This is our prayer this holiday season:

Father, wherever our kids are this holiday season we pray they would feel safe and loved. Thank you for holding them while we can’t. Thank you for your perfect plan that will bring us together in your perfect time. Be with all of us this holiday season as we are apart and we pray that this would be the last holiday season we have to spend apart. Be with all those hurting this holiday season, help us to remember that amongst the joy that this season brings for many it bring pain. Help us to be your light and love to everyone we encounter as we celebrate the coming of your son. 

It is well

When peace like a river, attendeth my soul.
When sorrows like sea billows roll. 
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. 

My anthem today, this week, this month, this lifetime..

Some days peace does flow like a river and my soul is soothed. Some days sorrows roll in like sea billows. And I focus on the fact that He is the one in control and that in the end it is well with my soul.

I pray that our kid(s) wherever they are, whatever they are going through might have that sense too. Even if they don't know what to call it or who it is providing it, I pray that at their core they would hold onto a hope that passes all understanding.

Praying for our kids

After the Ton. of. Bricks. hit me. And I realized that all I could do for our kid(s) is pray I wrote this prayer. This is the prayer we pray for our kids everyday. This prayer is for all of our kids that will come to us through adoption. Trying to trust Him and take one step at a time!

Will you join us in praying for our kids?

Father I pray for their physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I pray you would give them courage to face the challenges of each day. Spirit, give them a calm spirit to hear your voice and a willingness to obey. Jesus may their spirit be generous towards others as yours is. Father, give them a clear mind to learn and recall. Provide them with wise teachers, counselors, mentors, and friends. Father I pray they would find a unshakeable identity and trust in you. Jesus, I pray that they would know and become like you.

Father as they go through their day I pray that you would protect them, protect them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Father when they feel unseen, let them know that you see them. Protect them from whatever circumstances they will go through that will result in them being in the foster or adoption system. Father keep them healthy and protect them from illnesses around them. Father, I pray you would put people in their life who would look out for them, others that would see them, and notice their hearts. I pray these people would have the courage to speak up for them and speak into them. May these people around them be your light into their darkness.

I pray for their daily needs. Provide food when they are hungry, clothes to wear, shelter to live in, and beds to sleep in. Father may they find rest each night from whatever the day held. If they are in school guide them to teachers and people they can ask for help from, help with school and help with life. I pray they would have time to play each day, to feel like a kid. Give them hope when the situations feel hopeless. Keep their hearts full of hope father. I pray that they would come to us as healthy and happy as possible, and that you would build in us the tools we will need to help them heal their hearts. Father I pray that they would come to us legally free, I know that with you this is possible. May your will be done.

I pray for their birth parents. Father, thank you for the amazing blessing of giving life to our kids. I pray that they would come to know you Father, if they don't already and that you would bless them. Provide a healthy pregnancy for their birth mother. Father whatever the circumstances that lead to our kids adoption, I pray you would be in the midst of it. Whatever the situation is, help them remember that their kids are just kids. Help them to desire whatever is best for their child. Comfort them in the grief that will come after losing their kids. Comfort the kids if their birth parents pass away. I pray that our kids will come to understand the circumstances that led to their adoption.

If they have siblings I pray that they would come to us together and not be separated. Help them to find comfort in each other daily. Bless their relationship and help them to get along and thrive with each other. I pray you would also begin to open their hearts to the idea of other siblings after they join our family.

I pray that they would dream and hope for a better life, a life with loving parents and a safe home. I pray they would long for a life lived with you at the center. Begin to work in their hearts to prepare a place for you.

Ton of Bricks

There was this moment. A moment that hit me like a ton of bricks. And then it kept coming back and hitting me like a ton of bricks all over again. and again. and again.

The moment when I realized that our kid(s) are out there somewhere. They are (in all likely-hood) born. They are living life. And they are going through whatever it is that they will have to go through to get to us. Like I said...ton. of. bricks.

The first time it hit me was in my office at work and I broke down. It was so overwhelming to know that they were out there and there was nothing I could do for them but pray for them. And so I did.

My prayer life has been changed by this process already. As I go through my days all the sudden it will hit me again. What are they doing right now? Are they hungry? Are they warm/cold/sad/scared/worried? And I turn to the only person who knows the answers and plead, Father please see them, see them because I can't. Please take care of them like only you can.

So when I sit down to eat, I pray for them. That they would have food to eat. When I lay down in my bed, I pray that they could find some rest tonight. And sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere and I break down all over again. And so I pray.

I have a feeling this whole parenthood thing is going to teach remind me how little control I have over anything. And believe me this control freak is going to struggle. I find peace in the fact that He is in control. And that he already loves my kid(s) more than I ever will.