Waves

In the exhaustion, excitement, stress, and wonder of the first three months with our girl there are moments when waves of grief wash over me as well. Grief for our other children. Sometimes these moments are fast and furious and sometimes the feelings hang over my day.

Today, as a new wave of grief washed over me a wave of anger and guilt came too. Anger that our original "plan" wasn't right. Guilt that by having Stevie we abandoned the other kids God has for us. Lies that I am tempted to believe at times.

As I sometimes do, I spent some time looking at the children sitting in the system in South Carolina. Waiting. 5 pages of beautiful children just seeking a loving family. I thought back to the many other times I have looked through pages of children's pictures. So many times in Wisconsin, where we thought our family would begin. So many other states as we searched for what God had next for us. North Carolina when we first moved here. Now South Carolina in the anticipation of our move there next spring. My heart was broken once again and my burden renewed for our kids.

I am about to finish filling a journal that I have been writing in for over 2 years now. I was flipping back through old prayers and thoughts and found this from October 7, 2014:
     ' Guide us to our kids, Father. We want to parent the kids you have for us. That is all we want. Protect our hearts from human desires. It is not about perception or what others think - its about your plan and desires. Forgive us when we get caught up in worldly lies and misconceptions. Spirit, help us to focus on your heart for our family.'

That is my prayer again today.

A reminder that what other people say or think does. not. matter. Even when people don't understand or question what God has called us to through church planting and the major changes that has had on our family - moving, delaying adoption, having Stevie, and one more move in store - all of it is in his hands. God brought us Stevie in his perfect time and he will bring us our other kids in his perfect time and we don't want it any other way.

Playing It is well by Bethel Music on repeat lately...

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

New Directions

Direction. It's something you don't really think about that often unless it is missing from your life. This past year we have felt that void. It became clear that God was heading us in a new direction, but it was not clear where, when, or what it would look like.

Aubrey started looking for jobs a little over a year ago and as we prayed and explored what our future might hold the idea of church planting was planted and grew in our hearts.  This past week our direction was made clear.

Aubrey and I are thrilled, nervous, overwhelmed, sad, and excited to announce that we will be moving to Asheville, North Carolina to take part in a Church Planting Residency through North Asheville Baptist Church.We'd love for you to read all about it and how you can partner with us at tablecommunitychurch.com/blog

So, What does this mean for the adoption process? In short, we don't know right now. We hope to have a conversation with a social worker once we are in Asheville to discuss what that would look like. The complexity of our situation is that we know we will be moving again in two years as we launch the Church. Our plan is to follow God's leading one step at a time and for now that means focusing on getting packed up and moved to Asheville!

Thank you cannot begin to describe our feelings for those who have been praying with us through the twisting and turning of this job search. We are grateful for your partnership up to this point and hope you will continue to partner with us along this new adventure.

We will of course continue to keep this blog updated with news about the journey of our family and we would love for you to stay tuned through the church blog for updates about that process.

Thank you for your continued prayers as we step forward in this new direction!