Ton of Bricks

There was this moment. A moment that hit me like a ton of bricks. And then it kept coming back and hitting me like a ton of bricks all over again. and again. and again.

The moment when I realized that our kid(s) are out there somewhere. They are (in all likely-hood) born. They are living life. And they are going through whatever it is that they will have to go through to get to us. Like I said...ton. of. bricks.

The first time it hit me was in my office at work and I broke down. It was so overwhelming to know that they were out there and there was nothing I could do for them but pray for them. And so I did.

My prayer life has been changed by this process already. As I go through my days all the sudden it will hit me again. What are they doing right now? Are they hungry? Are they warm/cold/sad/scared/worried? And I turn to the only person who knows the answers and plead, Father please see them, see them because I can't. Please take care of them like only you can.

So when I sit down to eat, I pray for them. That they would have food to eat. When I lay down in my bed, I pray that they could find some rest tonight. And sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere and I break down all over again. And so I pray.

I have a feeling this whole parenthood thing is going to teach remind me how little control I have over anything. And believe me this control freak is going to struggle. I find peace in the fact that He is in control. And that he already loves my kid(s) more than I ever will.